I usually consider myself to be something of a sceptic when it comes to the unexplained. I like to know how things work and why. Oh yes, and I want answers. I don't like to wait. I don't like to sit with it. Like so many people, I'm impatient. I want the resolution now. Puzzles are fine as long as they can be solved right away. But wait until the answer comes? That's the hardest thing in the world.
For nearly four years now, I have been anxiously awaiting the answer to the question: What am I supposed to do with my life? I have struggled through jobs which bored me to death while at the same time draining me physically and spiritually. Surely I deserve a change, I have thought. Countless hours have been spent searching for the best career for me, applying to schools, taking personality tests, you name it. Finally, I had enough.
There has seemed to be a sense of serenity which has come to me in recent times. I wondered if I was just lazy. maybe I was only giving up. Deep down, I do believe that when the time is right, the answer will come. The layers of misery, darkness, confusion, fear, and gunk will start to unravel. My dreams always seem to intensify whenever a great change is coming. That's when the wolves began to appear.
The first dream was about fear and the seeming inability to change the situation. I was in the dark woods of winter, cloaked in deep blue-black shadows. I was with my red bone coon hound, Sylvie Ann, when out of the darkness, came a silver wolf, straight for us. The wolf was after my dog, and probably me as well, but I feared mostly for Sylvie, who is one of the lights of my life. She is like a child to me.
I had a silver bow and arrow but I hadn't shot one since gym class, years and years ago. I felt my fingers and arms frozen in doubt. I truly believed that I wouldn't be able to do it. But I knew that I had to save my dog, so, although I think wolves are beautiful creatures, I aimed the arrow at the attacker's heart and released, breathing outward. The mark was true.
The second dream was much more confused, but I realized somehow, in the strange logic of dreams, that the wolf which appeared to me was one of my spirit animals and that he would guide me. This wolf was darker, almost a steel-black with golden eyes. He looked terrifying. I'm not sure how I knew the wolf was a male but somehow it seemed fitting. First I had to tame the wolf and this was no easy task because he was snarling and baring his teeth at me. Then the animal and I seemed to have an understanding. I was still feeling nervous and when he reached out and grabbed my right hand in his strong jaws, it became intense fear. I wanted to turn and run, but when I pulled, the wolf bit down harder. The bite wasn't enough to break my skin but it was very firm. The wolf had my right hand--my painting hand--pinned and I had no choice. The wolf led me to the right and into the darkness and my dream faded.
When I woke, I remembered the dream and thought that it must surely have something to do with my indecision over my career. I didn't know what to do, but my guide surely did. If only I could remember where the dream went, where the wolf led me. Frustrated, I pushed the notion aside. Probably doesn't mean a thing after all, I told myself.
As if by some sort of strange design, a Christmas card arrived from my in laws, with a beautiful photo of a wolf on the front. On the inside, was written a message about living harmoniously with each other and with the environment. This seemed even more ironic, given that my husband and I had an unpleasant morning, arguing. This was caused by me being ornery and deflecting my worries and dissatisfaction about my current situation onto him. Needless to say, we had a very painful day and I felt terrible because I knew that I had picked the fight.
The next day, I made sure that I got up on the right side of the bed and the first thing I said to my husband was : "Good morning" instead of something surly. The wolf dreams had time to settle with me and although it still seemed impossible to figure out what they meant, I had come to some kind of peace at least. If I couldn't figure out what my next move in life was, it was alright. I had to just be and let it come. Maybe I had to follow my animal or subconscious instinct. I had to set aside what I had no power over changing right away.
What does matter is how I treat my husband, who I care more about than anyone in the world. Just because I'm going through a rough patch, doesn't mean that I have to take him there with me. We had a wonderful time together that following day. I really tried to enjoy the time we had together and not let anything cloud it. I may never figure out what those wolf dreams fully mean but I think that listening to them had a positive effect.
